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The Onion

About the artist

The Onion News Network, encompasing the former separate divisions of the Onion Radio News as well as its video and print divisions, presents a single hard-hitting news story per day, an audio version of the same award-winning coverage The Onion is known for in its print and online versions. Doyle Redland (Recent Onion annual poetry contest winner) is the tough-as-nails anchorman who millions have learned to trust as his soothing voice describes the most crucial happenings of the day. It's free to download from The Onion.

Top songs

  1. Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes
  2. Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
  3. Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar
  4. New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
  5. Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee
  6. Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is
  7. DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
  8. FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
  9. Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?
  10. Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
Show all 100 songs
  1. More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
  2. New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
  3. U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
  4. DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico
  5. Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer
  6. Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'
  7. Temp Puts Extensive Knowledge Of Alphabet To Good Use
  8. Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
  9. Rules Grammar Change
  10. Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids
  11. Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
  12. Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive
  13. Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
  14. Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
  15. Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
  16. Christ Announces Hiring Of Associate Christ
  17. Back Of Library Smells Like Weed
  18. New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free
  19. Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby
  20. Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
  21. Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size
  22. Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair
  23. U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores
  24. Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire
  25. Couple Upstairs Going At It Again
  26. Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage
  27. Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature
  28. Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness
  29. Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
  30. Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings
  31. In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?
  32. Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate
  33. Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
  34. Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts
  35. Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
  36. Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage
  37. Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus
  38. Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator
  39. Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks
  40. Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse
  41. Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars
  42. Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
  43. Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?
  44. Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face
  45. Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room
  46. Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
  47. New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion
  48. Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito
  49. Wife's Shortcomings Laid Bare By Female Sportscaster
  50. Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline
  51. Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever
  52. Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed
  53. Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa
  54. Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases Of Coke
  55. Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot
  56. Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
  57. Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker
  58. East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women
  59. Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported
  60. VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill
  61. Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene
  62. Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.
  63. Christ Returns To NBA
  64. Area Idea So Crazy It Just Might Work
  65. NASA, NASCAR Merge
  66. Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen
  67. Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets
  68. Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg
  69. New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time
  70. New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers
  71. Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest
  72. Animal-Control Officer In Way Over His Head
  73. Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon
  74. Man Born To Party Dies Partying
  75. Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing
  76. NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams
  77. Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village
  78. Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead
  79. Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting
  80. Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video
  81. Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner
  82. How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine
  83. Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women
  84. Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback
  85. Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked
  86. 357 Maharishis Missing, Feared Dead In Astral Plane Crash
  87. Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
  88. Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production
  89. Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act
  90. Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads

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